Push and Pull

Two years and 5 months. 880 days. Give or take a few. That was the last time I was in a relationship (and no, I didn't know that, I had to go back and add it up). This isn't a big deal to me. In fact, most of the time I love being single. I can spend my time and money with my friends and don't have to worry about saving some for special weekends or stretch myself too thin on the time I have for school work. I can talk to all my friends who are girls without having to worry about jealousy or watching what I say and how flirty I am. As sexist as it is, I can look at a beautiful girls when I see them. No one will slap me for it or not talk to me for 2 days for it.

That being said, there are days or times that I just get a yearning for wanting to date someone. Someone who I can go see, have a deep connection with, that I can get a hug from. There's really nothing like having a girlfriend who compliments your life. No one can complete my life, I do that myself but finding someone who can just make it better and make adventures more fun is something that cannot be replaced by friends.

There's that push of not wanting to be tied down or have the responsibility of having to call someone and stay in touch and make sure they are having a good day and the pull of having all of those things on your plate. Having someone there when you are having a bad day is just a nice thought. Brock and I always see girls at the rec center and just think gosh it would be nice to be able to go out to the movies with her or go have dinner with her.

These thoughts don't ever weigh on me or stay with me too much. The nights I am sitting here by myself and have girls text me are the other times that I feel like having a girlfriend would be nice.

Rambling. That's all this is.

Spring Break Day 7

My day was spent fishing, playing tag with the kids, fishing Reece out of the pond, shopping for antiques, watching KU win, eating entirely too much food and now listening to the new Mae album which I am finding out is very piano-driven and relaxing. Enjoy the pictures. More tomorrow!

The morning view of the big pond.

The view of the cabin from the end of the dock (Reece and Peyton fishing)

The grill getting ready for some pork burgers.

The only "antique" we bought today. Everyone is very excited about this except my Mom. Where else have you seen a fully functioning piece of armor? And for $20?? A picture with someone wearing it tomorrow.

Spring Break Day 6

Spring break continues to be a wonderful time for me. For the third day in a row I got some shopping done. I've gotten some new shirts, some new pants, a new cardigan, some new products from Bath and Bodyworks (girly but the stuff is kickass), a new pillow, and 2 new books. Today I left Wichita for Arkansas City where my Aunt Nancy and Uncle Jay have a cabin outside of town. I'm here with 20 of my closest family members and have been enjoying their company immensely. We watched some basketball, played board games, fished, talked about this summer's vacation and cooked some delicious food. It's great having all my little cousins around to play with and talk to. I rarely get to see them. Tomorrow will be spent shopping and doing a little gambling before we gather for the KU game. Rock Chalk! More pictures to come!

The view from the front porch of the cabin

About 1/3 of the wine barrels that my uncle has out here. These are imported from France and filled with wine from 2009 I believe. Other barrels are from Italy and California

The Lobster

My last post referenced a man many of you do not know. This is a man that I don't really know, at least these days. Tyler Baxter was someone who I could turn to for anything. He was someone who knew what to say when I couldn't find the words, or when others were too scared to say anything. He was someone I admired a great deal. He put his family before everything and for that I guess I shouldn't ever get upset with the way he's treated us. We thought he was our best friend, the fourth leg of our quad-pod group. I have always forgiven him more than the others I think because of the hard things I have been through in my life since I was a freshman at Emporia but he's never ditched me the way he has ditch my other friends.

Tyler is the guy who got me hooked on Kenny Chesney during the summertime. He is the guy who made me want to join Sigma Pi and become a leader that they needed. Tyler was a Washburn guy at heart trying to keep the promises he made to his Emporia State friends. He was the guy who listened to his heart and what was right for him and not what was best for our friendships. I'm not saying it was our faults that we aren't friends with him anymore, but it probably wasn't easy for him. He cut us out of his life for a reason and I pray that he is better off because of it because I miss him dearly. Tyler was one of my best friends in this world and there aren't a lot of people like that bald headed man in it.

I will share the story about why this post is titled "The Lobster." Back in the spring of 2005 my parents were thinking about buying a house for my friends and I to live in after we moved out of the dorms that semester (I am so glad they decided not to). We were all going to live it just like we had all been living together in room 306. Me, Brett, Craig and Tyler were all going to move in. It was a great idea. That is until Tyler came up to us and told us about Sig Pi. He had pledged Sig Pi the first semester we were at Emporia State and decided he was going to move home at Christmas break because he hated it. He quit being a pledge. He didn't like a thing about that town and school. Until he met us. He decided that since he was staying at ESU he would re-pledge Sig Pi. We didn't care about that and thought it would be cool to have a friend in a frat that we could go party at.

But being in Sig Pi obviously meant that he couldn't live with us. It wasn't a devastating blow or something we got mad at him about (especially since Craig and I ended pledging anyway) but we couldn't let him get away with it without giving him a hard time. One day Craig, Brett and I were walking around Wal-Mart and noticed the giant tanks of lobsters they had in the produce area and decided that it looked like a sun burnt Tyler Baxter. Red and bald. Eventually he asked who we were going to have live with us instead of him and we told him that no one would move into the room he was to occupy, but that we would buy a lobster, take care of it, let it grow, and then eventually eat it.

From that time on we called him the Lobster. It's one of those random stories that always makes me laugh and whenever I see an actual lobster or Red Lobster commercial I think of him. And that's what makes his choice to ignore us so hard. I can't just forget about him or all the times we had together. All the close talks we had, the times we cried together. I'm reminded of him constantly and it sucks. I hope, deep down, that he will come with us to celebrate Brett's big day with us guys, the ones who convinced him to stay at a place he hated. Tyler, I love you and pray that you have found an easier life and a better life. We all have and we all miss you just the same.

#Jousting

"Shotgun!"

"Joust!"

Those are the first words you hear out of my mouth whenever I am with my friends and we are all in the same vehicle. Everyone wants to ride shotgun instead of in the back. More leg room, better view, control of the functions of the car. It is much better than the cramped back seat. The goal is to get out the Joust part before the other person can yell No Joust. Simple rules. If the person yelling Joust gets it out in time then a game of PRS will be played, called jousting. The winner, two out of three games, gets the front seat. The loser, gets to ride in the back. It's a way of life.

However, the sport of jousting is much more extreme than a game of Paper, Rock, Scissors to see who gets to sit up front in the car. Jousting looks awesome. I would never do it but I would go watch any day of the week. If one of those guys hit me with a lance I would probably be dead. Every time one of those guys falls off his horse they look dead. I can understand why. Those people, especially the ex-Navy Seal look crazy and scary. I hope everyone enjoyed the video. I saw it on ESPN about a month ago and loved it.

Also I was told to give my odds that our friend Tyler Baxter shows up to Brett's bachelor party since he told Craig he was excited to go and see all of us. I give it a million to one odds that he shows up. He hasn't answered my phone call or text in three years so I think it's safe to say that he won't be coming to Oklahoma with us.

Spring Break

Spring break is here. It is quite a relief as most of you know. Last week was a long one with tests and assignments and waiting for 3:30 on friday to get here. I don't have any great, exciting plans for traveling anywhere special this year. I had tried to go to Colorado this year but most of my friends had prior commitments or different spring break times which was a bummer. However, I am going to spend a few days in Wichita with Brett since Hannah will be spending a few days of her break at home. After that I will join my family in Ark City at my uncle Jay's cabin and spend four days on the pond fishing, writing and just relaxing. I'm really hoping for rain the whole time I am down there. I can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch with a book or some blank paper and just enjoying the smell and sound of country rain.

Today has been a fun day. I spent the morning with my family making cookies and watching some basketball. I decided that I would go help The Beb's tear down part of Opossum Lodge since it sounded like a fun time. There's just something so great about taking a sledge hammer to a wall or chimney. If you have never tried it I suggest you do it. It was quite a dirty job with blown insulation blowing everywhere but getting sweaty and dirty is part of the fun. It was also fun to get attacked by a bat. It was pretty funny to see play out. Well, that will be it for now. Goodnight readers!

When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes

This album leaked today. So far it is the best Yellowcard album I have heard in quite a long time. I love the album art and the title. It is probably my favorite album title in a long time, right alongside "Ad Astra Per Aspera." Be The Young is my favorite song so far. It deals with my post from last night so I was a little attached to it when I heard it.

Change

Tonight I went on a walk after falling asleep during the KU game. It was such a great night for it, clear and chilly, but not cold. I love nights like tonight. I ended up spending a couple hours outside and walking four miles. Nights like tonight allow me to just have alone time and allow me to gather my thoughts that usually flow like a rushing river out of my head every day. I don't know what you do personally to just relax and give yourself a review of the previous week or so but this is something that helps me out a great deal. I put on some acoustic music and just enjoy the peace and serenity of the night skies.

There were many thoughts that went through my head tonight, most of them good but some not so good. That is what life is all about though, right? Today in my Children's Literature class we discussed our book that we have been reading and what the kids have been going through in the story. We talked about how the boy is trying to decide who he is. Someone mentioned how hard teenage years are because you don't know exactly who you are or who you want to be. Tonight I decided that at 25, I don't think it has gotten much easier for myself. I still struggle with trying to be the person I would like to end up being and the person I have been before. How much change is needed? How much is too much? How much is brought on by trying to please others and not myself? A friend of mine wrote a two-part post about his thoughts on changing and if you are interested in reading them you should go check out his blog. He writes with great depth and thought.

I would like to think that most of the changes in my life have been born out of necessity rather than want or needs to impress. The bigger changes I am sure are because of the need to be a better person, friend, ect. However sometimes I wonder if the smaller changes are just done to try and fit in with new friends or a new school. I have changed the style of clothes I wear a considerable amount over the years but I think a lot of that has to do with being more mature and not wanting to wear a grey t-shirt and shorts all the time. I never used to care how I looked because it just never mattered. Who was I trying to impress anyway? Now I enjoy wearing different styles and I think it's just fun to have a better sense of style than I used to.

The music I listen to has also changed over the years. Of course I still listen to bands like Blink 182, All Time Low and Mayday Parade but I find myself gravitating towards bands that speak to my current age and current life. Mumford and Sons, Abandon Kansas, Brandon Flowers. They all write songs that really make me about things a little bit more than songs about girls and how stupid they are or going out and drinking with the boys.

I still have plenty to work on of course because we are all unfinished and being remodeled all the time. I have plenty of problems that I have to deal with daily. I have trouble being motivated to do things that I don't always find enjoyable, like school. There are days when I just convince myself that I don't need to go to this class or that class. It's a horrible habit that I am working very hard to break and I have made progress, just not as much as I would like. I have gotten better about saving money and not spending it on stupid things but I could always be better about it. I still find myself wanting things I don't need and these days it is much easier to remind myself why I don't need those things.

I know this is all just a jumble of words and thoughts thrown into a post but it really does help me get over my biggest problems. It helps so much when I write things down in a blog or in a letter that never gets sent. Hopefully it keeps me floating towards my ultimate goals and maybe it will give others an insight to how I think.

Currently Listening to: Give and Take by Abandon Kansas

Ad Astra Per Aspera

The new Abandon Kansas album "Ad Astra Per Aspera" has been playing with me since I got it off Amazon on sunday night. I can't describe how good it is. It has signaled such growth and maturation from the guys that sometimes they don't even seem like the same band that wrote "You Build A Wall, I'll Build A Ladder." I thought I would post some of my favorite lyrics off the album that just hit me where I need to be hit. It's an album that was totally unexpected, but expected at the same time. Well done Jeremy, Brad, Brian and Chet.

My indifference and your denial, Even when I am gone you're stringing me along. -Like It or Not

I can tell your heart is a forrest, And it hasn't rained here in years, Then I came around and the whole place caught on fire. -The Golden State

We'll paint the sunset our own shade tonight, whatever color you like, I've never seen a moon that shined so bright, color to my ears, music to my eyes. -A Conversation With The Sky

I've cursed at the sky 'til I can't feel my lungs, Then somewhere in the distance a wave of sound rings, melodies I've never heard, but somehow I know all the words, And I can't help but sing -Where Else Can We Go?

Loneliness is loose upon our land, The leprosy of modern man -Take My Lead

How can I fly when I wasn't given wings? All you gave me was a fear of heights, but if something doesn't change now, if things keep going on this way, I'll run, run away -Wings (Fear of Heights)

Living the dream ain't so dreamy darlin' living the dream ain't me, cause I can't kill this animal between my ears, and I can't stop feeding it what I've fed it for years -Give and Take

Am I more than the things that I have and haven't done? How do we undo what's already been done? With nothing to stand on we fall, we've been falling before we first stood up -Give and Take

φιλία (Love)

How many people do you know? And I mean really know, like I know more than I would like to actually know about one person other than myself. I have many friends that I consider very close to me. But sitting in Emily's apartment I found out that sometimes the people we talk to on a daily basis are the people we forget to actually get to know on a deeper level. I have two people in this world that I know as well as myself, Brett and Craig. That's probably more than some of you out there when you really get down to it. There are times when I feel like I let people down because I don't always ask the questions that really matter. Any one can ask, "Hey! How was your day!" That isn't very personal and I feel like my duty as a friend is to ask better questions and actually get to know my friends, find out their struggles and their hopes.

I changed the title of my blog, again because I wanted something different. I stuck with the Greek alphabet for this one and went with the word φιλία. φιλία in Modern Greek is one of the many translations for the world love, this one meaning: friendship, virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers.

Most of my entries on here deal with my friends and the love I have for them or the enjoyment I get when I spend time with them. It is only fitting that my blog title reflects that. To those of you whom I talk to more often, I hope you don't mind if I start asking those questions because I really just want to get to know you better and have a better friendship, be closer. If you do mind, let me know, it won't hurt my feelings at all. I promise.

With Love, Ian

Music of Emporia State

Two entries in two days. Road trips do that to me I guess. As I said before, I was in Emporia and Lawrence this weekend and both are places that I enjoy for different reasons. This post is about music which of course is something that I love. There are certain songs that just take you back and since I was making a road trip to a place I don't get to often enough I decided to listen to some old tunes that I haven't had in my life in a long time.

Suspension by Mae is a song that I always used to listen to when I was going to school down there. I can remember driving my car around talking to Becca on the phone while she was two hours away or talking to Craig because the song just fit how we felt about girls.

Jaded (These Years) by Mest was another song that just fit. It talks about not having regrets about the years spent being young and reckless. I guess that sums up my years going to ESU. It reminds me of my besties and all the fun times we had staying up late, drinking and driving through the country.

Keg In The Closet by Kenny Chesney is the final song that really reminds me of that time in my life. Of course it just applies to the times at Sig Pi because the song is about having a secret keg because it's illegal to have them at frats. Lots of good memories and dancing took place there.

Those are the songs that I listened to on the way down to and around the town of Emporia. There were more, mostly by those same artists, but it was a good reminder of times that I will never forget with people I still love to this day.

Beer 30

I just don't know what to think right now. Sitting here, chatting, hanging out, thinking. I walked home from Beer 30 tonight like old times just to think about the old times. It's been so long since I have walked home from that bar. I can remember it being called 4th Avenue. So many old memories came back and none of them were any different than the things I have been going through lately. I am trying to get through school, trying to figure out my thoughts, trying to figure out how I feel about people.

I had a great time tonight celebrating Emily's 21st birthday. It was just a relaxing time with some good friends. I can never figure out how I feel about this town. So many times I find myself losing my mind around this town. It brings back so many bad memories, so many good memories, and so many things that I cannot ever figure out. I wish I could control my thoughts and decide how I feel about people. I wish I could figure you out. It would make life much easier. I don't even know how I feel. That's what life boils down to.

Beer 30 was the start of my college experience, the beginning of the end if you will. My first footsteps in that place led me to be destructive to myself and everyone around me. Walking home tonight made me realize that, while I am grown up and mature that I still have no clue what I want for my life other than my career. Being back in the 30 made me feel like I did so long ago. I walked around thinking, reading the walls and finding out that the answers are far outweighed by the questions.

I guess that is all. Questions and answers. Sometimes too many of one, sometimes too many of the others. Can we figure it all out in the end?