A New Path Created

I have started this post about twenty different ways, not really knowing where I wanted to take it. Post-breakup days are always filled with time spent wondering about what ifs and what could have beens. These days, however, are filled with thoughts about where my path is headed, about what kind of story I am leaving for the world.  Distance changed everything about my relationship with Emily and with that comes a different thought process to breaking up. I can remember four years ago when I ended my last serious relationship and how I felt; remembering how much it ached and how I was living a life down the wrong path. These days I don't feel that way.  I find myself wondering if it is because of my advanced age, my closer relationship with God (and by closer I mean I have one now), or because the distance just made it easier to move on. 

I am reading A Million Miles In A Thousand Years by Donald Miller for the third time. The first time made me want to be spontaneous and have fun. The second time I started to pick out important pieces, advice on how to live a better life/story. This time though, I am finding passages and tidbits on how to become a better character. Amazing things can happen when you give stories or music multiple chances to blow you away, to reach different parts of your mind. I know a musician who recommends listening to an album, in order, three times before you decide how good it is. I find this to be true for any craft. Donald Miller is one of those writers that always leaves me with something new to process. Songs by Mumford and Sons are that way as well. 

One passage that I found to be enlightening in A Million Miles In A Thousand Years was a single line that reads, "The stories we tell ourselves are very different from the stories we tell the world." Basically, other people cannot perceive our thoughts, they cannot read our minds. Sometimes body language and actions can give our feelings away but most of the time people are left guessing how we truly feel. I believe people need to be more open and share their stories, share their thoughts and emotions with the people around them. It is sometimes easier to fight personal battles and demons by ourselves, because we are embarrassed by what we are going through. However, there will always be people who are fighting the same battles, struggling with the same faults that you are. 

Helplessness Blues

What is the worst feeling you can have?  I am sure there are some horrible feelings out there but right now it is helplessness.  I feel helpless in that I cannot help Emily when she needs help, I cannot be there physically when she's had a rough day, I cannot be there to go out and have fun, I cannot be there when she cannot sleep, I cannot be there when she has a reason to celebrate.  I long to be near her for a change, to be able to do all of those former things.  There's only so much I can do through a telephone or computer.  I'm very lucky to have a girlfriend who allows me to visit her when our schedules allow and who will put up with my constant "Can I visit again?" attitude towards driving to Texas.  As Emily would say, I'm not lucky at all.  And it's true.  I have the best girlfriend I could ever ask for, one who is my best friend, and one whom I love very deeply.  But sometimes you pine to do more than the distance will allow.  That is our burden, and has always been.  She is my boo, and I her bear.  I just wish I could share more of these moments together with her.

You Swept Me Away

I just love this song by The Avett Brothers.  Especially since they have their sister Bonnie sing with them.

Benefits of Distance

• The Top 10 Benefits of having a Long Distance Relationship (as sent to me by a friend)
• 10: That first hug when you eventually do see each other
• 9: Independence (especially when you see your friends in controlling & bad relationships)
• 8: Free room and board in a different city
• 7: Picturing your life together.It will happen eventually. And it will be amazing.
• 6: Regular emails/IMs telling you how wonderful, smart, funny and intelligent you are
• 5: Thinking about how wonderful, smart, funny and intelligent your partner is
• 4: Your partners smell (you know you love it!)
• 3: Those late night conversations where you feel so close and so connected and so in love
• 2: Always knowing there is someone out there who loves and misses you
• 1: Because your life is better with your partner in it. Period.

I think this is a pretty darn good list.  I am especially looking forward to number 10 and 4 on my visits to Austin. 

The Countdown

I figured that knowing what day Emily is leaving for Austin would make it easier but I am finding that isn't exactly the case.  I can't imagine what it feels like for her, knowing that her life will be going through such a big change in twelve short days.  But it is also a big change for me.  I was telling Brett about it tonight and I think it finally sank in.  We have always had a distance relationship and it hasn't always been easy but we have made it work really well.  But Austin is on another level.  I am excited for her and excited for my chances to go visit a city like Austin because I love new experiences.  With that being said, it's still scary for both of us.  In twelve days I will not have the power to run to see Emily on the weekend if I want to, or run to see Emily if one of us is having a bad day.  Skype will keep us close and I think that will allow us to survive it.  

I never wanted another long distance relationship but I think that it has allowed Emily and I to become best friends over the last few years and for that I am very thankful.  We can really spend time together knowing that we are not taking each other for granted.  I may not always be the best at communicating, but I am confident that we can have a great relationship while we each finish out our schooling.  I think that is the beauty in my relationship with Emily, being best friends allows everything else to just fill in the blank spaces.  Loving her is easy to do.  

But knowing that the countdown has begun I am starting to be overwhelmed.  But that pales into comparison to how she feels.  

Twenty + Seven

I turned 27 two days ago.  It came and went like a summer's breeze, mostly without it every feeling like my birthday.  I kept to myself, stayed at home and that's about all of the excitement of my day.  People have asked what turning 27 feels like, probably to be polite, or to strike up conversation, but the answer remained the same: turning 27 feels no different than turning 26 or 25.  I honestly wouldn't have noticed if my mom hadn't been asking all day what I wanted to to or what I wanted to eat.  I celebrated my birthday a few days early by going to Colorado with my parents and Emily to see The Avett Brothers and the mountains so I shouldn't say that I didn't have an exciting birthday.  I had one goal in mind for my birthday and that was to work on the desk that I am building.  I was home alone so the project didn't go like I had wanted but I got a majority of it done by myself.

The most interesting thing about my birthday was seeing how many people remembered that it was my day of birth.  Most people know what it is like to have a birthday if you are on Facebook; notifications all day long from people you know and some you don't really know.  As Brett put it, "It is nice to feel like a celebrity for a day, but it is annoying." I have taken my birthday off so I had a record low for notifications this year which was honestly kind of nice.

I would consider the past year to be one of great productivity for myself and one that has seen many happy memories.  My friends got married, I started dating Emily, I went to many great concerts, I decided to move to Manhattan, I worked on many big projects around my house and school was better than I imagined it would go.  So thank you to everyone who made the year special.  I don't feel any older, and I don't feel any different.  I am just thankful for another year to enjoy my friends and family.

Change

Do you ever feel like you are making the wrong choices and the walls are closing in on you?  I had  something that felt like a panic attack last night while I was trying to sleep because I just feel like I'm making the wrong choices going into this semester.  I think it is just the idea of big change that freaks me out a little.  I'm afraid to mess up the life I have had.  I afraid to lose the people in my life I care for the most. I am afraid that by moving to Manhattan I will revert to the person I used to be, the person I worked very hard to get rid of.  That is the biggest concern I have.  I know I am going to be living with two great people and I have a lot of friends I can count on to lend me their ear if I need to talk but I haven't been able to talk to anyone about it, not even my girlfriend.  I feel like I have been dishonest with people because I haven't shared what's going on.  This weekend was a big eye-opener for me because last night I finally saw that by keeping everything in, letting it build up, I have started being the person I used to be.  I don't like it at all.  I guess it is a positive I could tell what was going on so now I can make sure to be open and honest.  It should be easy, right?  If only that were always the case.  With Love.