When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes

This album leaked today. So far it is the best Yellowcard album I have heard in quite a long time. I love the album art and the title. It is probably my favorite album title in a long time, right alongside "Ad Astra Per Aspera." Be The Young is my favorite song so far. It deals with my post from last night so I was a little attached to it when I heard it.

Change

Tonight I went on a walk after falling asleep during the KU game. It was such a great night for it, clear and chilly, but not cold. I love nights like tonight. I ended up spending a couple hours outside and walking four miles. Nights like tonight allow me to just have alone time and allow me to gather my thoughts that usually flow like a rushing river out of my head every day. I don't know what you do personally to just relax and give yourself a review of the previous week or so but this is something that helps me out a great deal. I put on some acoustic music and just enjoy the peace and serenity of the night skies.

There were many thoughts that went through my head tonight, most of them good but some not so good. That is what life is all about though, right? Today in my Children's Literature class we discussed our book that we have been reading and what the kids have been going through in the story. We talked about how the boy is trying to decide who he is. Someone mentioned how hard teenage years are because you don't know exactly who you are or who you want to be. Tonight I decided that at 25, I don't think it has gotten much easier for myself. I still struggle with trying to be the person I would like to end up being and the person I have been before. How much change is needed? How much is too much? How much is brought on by trying to please others and not myself? A friend of mine wrote a two-part post about his thoughts on changing and if you are interested in reading them you should go check out his blog. He writes with great depth and thought.

I would like to think that most of the changes in my life have been born out of necessity rather than want or needs to impress. The bigger changes I am sure are because of the need to be a better person, friend, ect. However sometimes I wonder if the smaller changes are just done to try and fit in with new friends or a new school. I have changed the style of clothes I wear a considerable amount over the years but I think a lot of that has to do with being more mature and not wanting to wear a grey t-shirt and shorts all the time. I never used to care how I looked because it just never mattered. Who was I trying to impress anyway? Now I enjoy wearing different styles and I think it's just fun to have a better sense of style than I used to.

The music I listen to has also changed over the years. Of course I still listen to bands like Blink 182, All Time Low and Mayday Parade but I find myself gravitating towards bands that speak to my current age and current life. Mumford and Sons, Abandon Kansas, Brandon Flowers. They all write songs that really make me about things a little bit more than songs about girls and how stupid they are or going out and drinking with the boys.

I still have plenty to work on of course because we are all unfinished and being remodeled all the time. I have plenty of problems that I have to deal with daily. I have trouble being motivated to do things that I don't always find enjoyable, like school. There are days when I just convince myself that I don't need to go to this class or that class. It's a horrible habit that I am working very hard to break and I have made progress, just not as much as I would like. I have gotten better about saving money and not spending it on stupid things but I could always be better about it. I still find myself wanting things I don't need and these days it is much easier to remind myself why I don't need those things.

I know this is all just a jumble of words and thoughts thrown into a post but it really does help me get over my biggest problems. It helps so much when I write things down in a blog or in a letter that never gets sent. Hopefully it keeps me floating towards my ultimate goals and maybe it will give others an insight to how I think.

Currently Listening to: Give and Take by Abandon Kansas

Ad Astra Per Aspera

The new Abandon Kansas album "Ad Astra Per Aspera" has been playing with me since I got it off Amazon on sunday night. I can't describe how good it is. It has signaled such growth and maturation from the guys that sometimes they don't even seem like the same band that wrote "You Build A Wall, I'll Build A Ladder." I thought I would post some of my favorite lyrics off the album that just hit me where I need to be hit. It's an album that was totally unexpected, but expected at the same time. Well done Jeremy, Brad, Brian and Chet.

My indifference and your denial, Even when I am gone you're stringing me along. -Like It or Not

I can tell your heart is a forrest, And it hasn't rained here in years, Then I came around and the whole place caught on fire. -The Golden State

We'll paint the sunset our own shade tonight, whatever color you like, I've never seen a moon that shined so bright, color to my ears, music to my eyes. -A Conversation With The Sky

I've cursed at the sky 'til I can't feel my lungs, Then somewhere in the distance a wave of sound rings, melodies I've never heard, but somehow I know all the words, And I can't help but sing -Where Else Can We Go?

Loneliness is loose upon our land, The leprosy of modern man -Take My Lead

How can I fly when I wasn't given wings? All you gave me was a fear of heights, but if something doesn't change now, if things keep going on this way, I'll run, run away -Wings (Fear of Heights)

Living the dream ain't so dreamy darlin' living the dream ain't me, cause I can't kill this animal between my ears, and I can't stop feeding it what I've fed it for years -Give and Take

Am I more than the things that I have and haven't done? How do we undo what's already been done? With nothing to stand on we fall, we've been falling before we first stood up -Give and Take

φιλία (Love)

How many people do you know? And I mean really know, like I know more than I would like to actually know about one person other than myself. I have many friends that I consider very close to me. But sitting in Emily's apartment I found out that sometimes the people we talk to on a daily basis are the people we forget to actually get to know on a deeper level. I have two people in this world that I know as well as myself, Brett and Craig. That's probably more than some of you out there when you really get down to it. There are times when I feel like I let people down because I don't always ask the questions that really matter. Any one can ask, "Hey! How was your day!" That isn't very personal and I feel like my duty as a friend is to ask better questions and actually get to know my friends, find out their struggles and their hopes.

I changed the title of my blog, again because I wanted something different. I stuck with the Greek alphabet for this one and went with the word φιλία. φιλία in Modern Greek is one of the many translations for the world love, this one meaning: friendship, virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers.

Most of my entries on here deal with my friends and the love I have for them or the enjoyment I get when I spend time with them. It is only fitting that my blog title reflects that. To those of you whom I talk to more often, I hope you don't mind if I start asking those questions because I really just want to get to know you better and have a better friendship, be closer. If you do mind, let me know, it won't hurt my feelings at all. I promise.

With Love, Ian

Music of Emporia State

Two entries in two days. Road trips do that to me I guess. As I said before, I was in Emporia and Lawrence this weekend and both are places that I enjoy for different reasons. This post is about music which of course is something that I love. There are certain songs that just take you back and since I was making a road trip to a place I don't get to often enough I decided to listen to some old tunes that I haven't had in my life in a long time.

Suspension by Mae is a song that I always used to listen to when I was going to school down there. I can remember driving my car around talking to Becca on the phone while she was two hours away or talking to Craig because the song just fit how we felt about girls.

Jaded (These Years) by Mest was another song that just fit. It talks about not having regrets about the years spent being young and reckless. I guess that sums up my years going to ESU. It reminds me of my besties and all the fun times we had staying up late, drinking and driving through the country.

Keg In The Closet by Kenny Chesney is the final song that really reminds me of that time in my life. Of course it just applies to the times at Sig Pi because the song is about having a secret keg because it's illegal to have them at frats. Lots of good memories and dancing took place there.

Those are the songs that I listened to on the way down to and around the town of Emporia. There were more, mostly by those same artists, but it was a good reminder of times that I will never forget with people I still love to this day.

Beer 30

I just don't know what to think right now. Sitting here, chatting, hanging out, thinking. I walked home from Beer 30 tonight like old times just to think about the old times. It's been so long since I have walked home from that bar. I can remember it being called 4th Avenue. So many old memories came back and none of them were any different than the things I have been going through lately. I am trying to get through school, trying to figure out my thoughts, trying to figure out how I feel about people.

I had a great time tonight celebrating Emily's 21st birthday. It was just a relaxing time with some good friends. I can never figure out how I feel about this town. So many times I find myself losing my mind around this town. It brings back so many bad memories, so many good memories, and so many things that I cannot ever figure out. I wish I could control my thoughts and decide how I feel about people. I wish I could figure you out. It would make life much easier. I don't even know how I feel. That's what life boils down to.

Beer 30 was the start of my college experience, the beginning of the end if you will. My first footsteps in that place led me to be destructive to myself and everyone around me. Walking home tonight made me realize that, while I am grown up and mature that I still have no clue what I want for my life other than my career. Being back in the 30 made me feel like I did so long ago. I walked around thinking, reading the walls and finding out that the answers are far outweighed by the questions.

I guess that is all. Questions and answers. Sometimes too many of one, sometimes too many of the others. Can we figure it all out in the end?

Terrible Things

I heard this song today by Mayday Parade that is off their new EP Valdosta and I decided it was probably my favorite song they have written. It is a very sad song about a father talking to his son about his mother, about life and love. But dang is it good.

Terrible Things by Mayday Parade

By the time I was your age I'd give anything

To fall in love truly was all I could think

That's when I met your mother, the girl of my dreams

The most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen

She said boy can I tell you a wonderful thing?

I can't help but notice you staring at me

I know I shouldn't say this but I really believe

I can tell by your eyes that you're in love with me

But son I'm only telling you this

Because life can do terrible things

Now most of the time we'd have too much to drink

And we'd laugh at the stars and we'd share everything

Too young to notice and too dumb to care

Love was the story that couldn't compare

I said girl can I tell you a wonderful thing?

I made you a present with paper and string

Open with care, now I'm asking you please

You know that I love you, will you marry me?

Now son I'm only telling you this

Because life can do terrible things

You'll learn one day I hope and I pray

That God shows you differently

She said boy can I tell you a terrible thing?

It seems that I'm sick and I've only got weeks

Please don't be sad now I really believe

You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me

Slow, so slow, I fell to the ground on my knees

So don't fall in love there's just too much to lose

If you're given the choice then I'm begging you choose

To walk away, walk away don't let it get you

I can't bare to see the same happen to you

Now son I'm only telling you this

Because life can do terrible things